My girlfriend just caught me blow drying my penis and asked what I was doing. Apparently, "heating your dinner" was not the right answer.

I like this job only marginally more than I like being homeless.

my husband is always attractive, but he is smoking hot in those rare moments when i see him doing the dishes or folding laundry

I'm having one of those days where people's faces just annoy me

Lets see if we can brainstorm some reasons why I shouldn't punch you in the face